Hope After Loss, Surviving Stillbirth

Friday, September 30, 2016

Pregnant with daughter Anilah

On July 08,2014 I woke up around 8:30 am as usual, but something was different. I went to the bathroom and my stomach was extremely hard and my baby wasn't moving. So I went to my mothers room woke up her, and they rushed me to the hospital. We arrived to a hospital here in Montgomery where I went straight upstairs to Labor and Delivery.  I was explaining to the nurses why I was visiting, and the first they did was put me on the baby monitor. Patiently waiting with my family, they couldn't find her heartbeat so they tried an ultrasound instead.  There was still no heartbeat. When one of the doctors arrived he touched around my belly, but didn't say a word as if he knew there was something wrong.  One of the nurse,  came in, and sat next to me, and said " I'm sorry Latasha she's gone and there is nothing we can do to bring her back". My family and I sat in the room devastated wondering how could something happen to someone who was innocent as a her. After waiting and waiting my doctor finally came in to me to tell me I had to have an emergency cesarean, because I was loosing to much blood, and my pressure was high. They came in  around 3:30pm to prep me for surgery, and they took me to start. When I woke up, I was hooked to several IVs because I had to receive a blood transfusion due to the large amounts of blood loss. My doctor came to my room and, explained that my placenta moved away from the baby, and that caused it to happened. They came and ask was I ready to see her and I replied "yes". She was laying in my arms so peacefully as if she was sleeping. That is something I'll never get back. Three long days went by still not understanding what happen to me. I moved to another room,  and that Friday I went home. A whole week of planning her home going service came fast and I was no where near ready to see that day. Sunday, July 20 came and I realize that after that day I'll never see my Anilah again. I remember walking around the house anticipating and nervous, but I got my self together for her service.
Everyday I wake up that's everyday I'm without my daughter .I never got to see her let alone hear her call my name and deal with that everyday .It doesn't matter how much I cry my tears will never bring her back . No ones deserve to go something like this .Even after two years, I'm still puzzled, but I don't ask why. I know that everything happens for reason and I don't question that. Accepting something such as loosing a baby can break to your lowest point or it can make you become stronger. I'll never forget my first and only daughter Anilah Irmoni Exford.

To all mother's that have endured this tragedy loss of a stillborn same as I have you have to be strong , you have to give yourself time to heal and grieve before moving on. I know and understand that it's hard but you have to remain strong and know god makes no mistakes. I can't predict on how long it takes to but it's not  a easy process and I wish you all the best .

Today 2 years later I'm expecting again and I'm having a baby boy named Taylen. It's the best feeling in the world and I couldn't be more excited. It means the world to me being able to carry another child after enduring so much pain. Words can't explain how happy I am and it's a wonderful feeling.

To all mother's that have endured this tragedy loss of a stillborn same as I have you have to be strong , you have to give yourself time to heal and grieve before moving on. I know and understand that it's hard but you have to remain strong and know God makes no mistakes. I can't predict on how long it takes to, but it's not  a easy process and I wish you all the best .

In April 2008, I found out that I was going to be a first time mother. I was beyond excited to be expecting a baby boy in December 2008. On November 30, 2008, I was 37 weeks pregnant and I began to experience what I thought were signs of labor. At this point I informed my mother that it was possibly time for the baby to make his entrance into the world. Arriving to the hospital and checking in went by fairly quickly. Once I was settled into my room the nurse came in to connect the monitor to my stomach so that the baby's heart rate could be monitored as the process begin. This moment was the first of many more unexpected events that would take place on that Sunday. The nurse could not find my son's heart beat. I immediately thought that he was turned in a position that was making it hard for the nurse to find his heart beat. After no heart beat could be found, the nurse brought in an ultrasound machine. That very moment when she pulled up the picture screen I could see my son's lifeless body not moving. My heart dropped and I went into complete shock and denial. The doctor came in and informed me that my baby boy has died, and that I would still have to give birth to him. On December 1, 2008, at 12:22 a.m. I gave birth to a 6 lb 10 oz baby boy who was stillborn. After leaving the hospital all I continued to do was replay that very moment when I saw his lifeless body on the ultrasound screen. I was an emotional wreck after losing my son, I could not understand why this tragedy happened to me. I read many testimonials about women who experienced stillbirths and how they were coping with their expected tragedies.  Before I experienced my stillbirth I had never even known of anyone this had happened to. I would like for women who have gone through the same experience as myself to know that stillbirths are more common than we expect. After experiencing this tragedy you may feel empty inside. Even though I felt empty and alone without my son, it did not make me any less of a mother. Just because he's not physically with me, he will forever be in my heart. Mother's Day is a very difficult day for me emotionally because I still mourn and grieve for my baby boy. It will be eight years this December since I experienced this unexpected tragedy and I still have moments where I find myself crying. Since my stillbirth in 2008, I have given birth to two daughters. When I became pregnant with my daughters I was an emotional wreck because all I could think about was the unexpected tragedy I experienced in 2008 and the chances of experiencing a stillbirth again. Even though I had more children, my son will forever have a place in my heart. The last thing I would like women who have experienced stillbirths to know is that grief has no expiration.

1 comment :

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