You Taught Me How To Love

Monday, September 5, 2016

You Taught Me How To Love

My name is Kimberly R. Christian on January 4, 1992. Since, the day I've been born, life for me has been a challenge. I'm 24 years old and I was born in Montgomery, AL, to some awesome parents. Since, a child several obstacles have been thrown at me starting with albinism. Growing up, I was teased about the color of my skin, I was called things that I'm not. I do have vision problems. Albinism has helped me build the confidence, I have about myself today. At the age of 12, I became very ill to the point doctors thought I wasn't going to make it. I've had four surgeries, three of which was life threatening, and a few minor procedures. With long hospital stays and trying to receive an education has been an uphill battle. I've graduated high school and college. To have a history of blood clots, an aneurysm, and to be able to have a healthy pregnancy and baby is quite the blessing.

A beautiful name for a beautiful princess, Kaylin. Life without her would probably be boring now. She was born February 18, 2015 and sometimes I feel like she was born 30 years ago. She's very smart and wise for an 18 months old. No matter what you're going through, when she sees you, she makes you forget about everything. She brings so much joy to a person's life. She's sassy, demanding, and energetic, but some would say she's such a "DIVA". Your average 18 months old would rather be playing with toys, but Kaylin would rather be learning. If it doesn't involve education, Kaylin is not interested. She's the life of the party and everyone that has interacted with her personally, loves her. How can someone so small give so much?

Kaylin, is a little young to understand how life really is without a father. Honestly, I think since she's been born life with him would be better.  I'm the only parent that she knows, I believe if he was involved she would be more open to others.

Being a single parent, it's hard, tiring, and depressing, but at the same time it's the most beautiful feeling to have someone who loves you unconditionally. Without her having a father, it makes me angry and makes me feel like I failed her as a mother. She's a smart and a beautiful girl who deserves the world and I can't give it to her. Being that her father is living and able to be apart of her life, it hurts. I try to hold my composure and act like nothing is wrong, but deep inside it's eating me alive and I have to remain strong because I know she's watching me and feeds off my energy. Since her birth, I've been trying to communicate on her behalf, but every attempt has failed.  I'm the sole parent and trying to get someone who is as challenging as her father involved has made me forget who I am. She's not the only child he has. He has other kids he's actively involved with and a child.  I often wonder what did she do to deserve what she's receiving. Everyday I look at my daughter, all I see is a lighter female version of him. I feel he didn't accept her from the moment I told him I was pregnant. Out of 5 years, I never gave him a reason to question my loyalty to him and for him to ask for a DNA test took the life out of me. That statement hurt so deeply, I considered getting rid of my baby because I didn't want to deal with him. I was trying to be the bigger person to reach out to communicate and come to a parental agreement has lead to the highest level of disrespect.
In most cases, words can leave a permanent scar. No matter what has happened between us, I will never lose faith that someday he'd come around, and be the father she deserves. It's kind of bittersweet to wake up to someone who is adventurous as she is, and to have a father that doesn't acknowledge her is heartbreaking. As she gets older, I know her questions about her dad are going to come, such as, "Mom, where's dad?" "Does my dad loves me?" Or "Why my dad isn't around?". I don't want those questions to be asked nor do I want to be the person to answer them. As a mother I am thinking about how her life would be without her father. No matter how long it takes, I know I will not stop trying.

To My Darling Daughter,

I always wondered what life would be like if I was a mother and now that you're here I see. I'm not a perfect person, but in your eyes I'm the perfect mother. Some days I wonder how I'm going to get what you need living on a fixed income, but I always manage to get it. I want you to stay a baby forever, but I know you have to grow and become a beautiful young woman. No matter what choices you make in life, I will always be proud of you. Sometimes you have to put your life, wants, and needs on hold because you're a parent, and your child wants and needs comes first. I probably can't afford to give you everything you want, but I would never let you go without the things you need. You've taught me so much, but most importantly, you taught me how to love. I'm not going to live here on earth forever, but I'll always be by your side, no matter what anybody tells you, I want you to know you have a mother who loves you beyond the stars.

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