I Am Not An Angry Little Girl Anymore

Monday, December 5, 2016

My name is Shaquanda Jackson, I'm from Montgomery,Al, and I'm the oldest of three children. I'm a high school graduate of Robert E. Lee high school, class of 2011, and I'm a soon to be graduate of Alabama State University, May 13, 2017. I'm proud of all of my accomplishments and achievements, and I'm thankful for having a mother that didn't run from her responsibilities like my father. Growing up without a father was normal to me because he's never really been around. He wasn't there for birthdays, holidays, graduations, or the birth of my daughter. As a child I would sometimes wondered why my father wasn't a part of my life, but verbally I didn't express it. I held a lot in. I was never able to share stories about spending time with my father or about even seeing him on a regular basis like some of my friends could do. That made me bitter and resentful towards him at a young age. After I was born, he eventually got married and had other children, and I could never understand what made me different from his other kids. I'm his oldest child and he chose not to be apart of my life, but he didn't do that to them. I have a brother and a sister whom I've never met. In the year of 2000 my father was incarcerated for murder. I really can't recall the last time I've seen my father.  If he was to see me today he probably wouldn't know who I am. Since he's been incarcerated we've spoken twice. The first time we spoke I felt as if I was talking to a stranger. He knew nothing about me not even the exact date of my birthday. The last time we spoke was before my high school graduation in 2011. I got his mailing address information and I sent him a graduation invitation and a picture. My purpose for that was to help him to understand that I was worth him being a part of my life. Shortly after that I received a letter from him but it only consisted of excuses as to why he didn't except responsibilities for his actions and a picture of his family. I really didn't know how to respond so I didn't. All I was looking for was ownership, but instead I received excuses. In my heart I knew that I had to give the situation to God and let go. When I didn't respond to the letter, I received a phone call a few months later. He told me he was proud of me and to be honest that's all I ever wanted to hear. I explained to him that I was mad at him for a long time because as a little girl I always wondered what it would be like to have him in my life. Some of the greatest moments of my life he's missed, but that I do forgive him. I told him that I was open to having a relationship with, maybe coming to visit him, and I even wanted to meet my siblings and from what he was saying too we both wanted the same thing. That was the last phone call, and I didn't receive another one. It gave me conformation to walk away. Now that I'm a young women, with a child of my own I don't understand how someone would choose not to be apart of their child or children lives both fathers and mothers. It wasn't a mistake of him not being there, it was a choice. Sometimes you have to meet people where they're at and sometimes you have to leave them where they're at. Everyday I thank God for growth because I'm not an angry little girl anymore.

1 comment :

  1. Your father's choice not to be a part of your life is his loss. Your Mom served as both parents and raised a confident, self- assured young lady. Your future does not depend on your past, but on your ability to let how of any obstacles holding you bsck...and you've done that. Good job young lady, I am proud of you!


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