He Restored My Faith and Joy

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Finding out for the first time that I was going to be a mommy, was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Buying baby clothes, diapers, car seat,  talking with different moms, and going to the doctors were exciting.

"Good afternoon Miss Fountain we have some good news for you, it's a girl" . It was so exciting.

On October 23, 2012, at approximately 4 P.M., the doctor wanted me to go to the hospital  to the imaging center because they couldn't find my daughter's heartbeat. I get a phone call from my doctor telling me how sorry she was about what happened, so I proceed to the hospital to get medication to be induced immediately. They told me they would  give me as much sense as they could, so that I wouldn't feel any pain. I knew the pain would always remain.

October 24, 2012, it was one of the worst, but yet the best day of my life. A 7 lbs, 1oz 21 inches  baby girl.  She was so beautiful, and she had so much of my looks. I held her for as long as I wanted, but eventually I had to give my baby to them. They placed her in a cold room until the funeral home came to get her and prepare her for her final resting place.  It's when it really dawned on me, that I had just lost my first child.

I went through so many mixed emotions and through it all, I tried to make sure my husband was okay. Most times it seems as if the father of the child gets left out of everything.  In most cases the father does, because everyone is so concerned with the feelings of the mother. Just because he's a man does not mean he does not feel, he goes through what the mom does as well.

It's been four years now. October 24, 2012 was her birthday.  It is still hard to deal with, and we visit her grave, send balloons to the sky, and I pray that she will get them. There are tears, but only tears of joy as we remember how beautiful and special you are to us.

My advice to all you moms and dads, never allow anyone to tell you how, and how long to grieve the loss of your child. You take as long as you need. You get the help that is needed, and hold your baby as long as you want to at the hospital. Don't allow your doctor to over medicate you to the point that you can't feel, because as much as you take or as much as you drink,  when you come out of it, those feelings will still be there. It's okay to cry, scream, and  even let the occasional bad word slip.  You are entitled to feel,  but it does get better.  You need to deal with it. Please never allow anyone to tell you that this is your new normal, no it is not. Your joy and your smile will return, just like mine did. March 9, 2016, around 11 o'clock I gave birth to an 8 pounds 11 ounces 20 inches long baby boy. My bouncing baby boy who we named Mason. I know my daughter McKenzie in heaven sent him to us . He is the best thing that has ever happened to us.  He restored our faith, and gave us back our joy.

When I was pregnant with our little boy Mason, there was  a lot of fears brought back. I had to go to the doctor and be put on a monitor to listen to his heartbeat around my 5th month, every week. As the months pass by, you try your hardest to enjoy your pregnancy, but there's something always in the back of your mind wondering is this baby going to make it. Is this baby going to be okay ?  I prayed that I wasn't going to lose this one this time. After having my son we begin to enjoy life, because we knew everything was okay, and he was safe. He came out perfect, but you always have in the back of your mind, the guilt of not having your child that you lost. I have a peaceful sense knowing that our daughter is in heaven.  When we had Mason, after  such a devastating loss  nearly four years later,  it
has brought back a lot of joy to my life, because I know and understand  there is nothing wrong with me ! I am perfectly capable of being a mother and carrying a child.  Most women ask themselves these questions, will I be able have another one, is there something wrong with me, was there something that I could have done to prevent this ?  People tell you,  there was nothing that you did,  there was nothing that could have been done,  and everything has its time and place.   I sometimes look at Mason, and I see a lot of his sister in him.

You will cherish the moments, you have with your angel baby whether they came on Earth or they were born into heaven. He or she will always be with you. You can look for signs and wonders like a flick of a light, a sweet smell, or in my case a ringing doorbell with no one on the other end.  To learn more about my story and other Angel moms visit a site that has helped me a lot www.honoring angels like Owen.com (H.A.L.O.).

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